Finding Closure

Some have described it as a feeling of peacefulness or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty and to really think about things other than our loss."


"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here', when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when long after my miscarriage a chance remark reminded me of my loss and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response inappropriate because it had all happened so long ago. But I now know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.

I finally came to that place where the intermittent memories were good ones and comforted myself that my baby's soul had gone on growing after it had left my body and was happy and adjusted somewhere. Perhaps even vicariously part of the family as we often think of other dead relatives - I'm sure my mother is at family celebrations and sorrows. It felt okay to put my baby's soul to rest and no longer a betrayal or denial of her or his brief existence. She or he would always be a part of us through memory."



Even once the grieving process appears to us to be complete it is not uncommon for some of the feelings of loss to return, perhaps on the baby's due date or on the anniversary of the miscarriage. Sometimes, later over the years, something said, thought or done can trigger sad memories. However, if the grieving process has been dealt with in a healthy way, these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings and unexpected reminders should be brief and not overwhelming. If they still are, it would be helpful to have a few sessions with a counselor to better come to terms with your old loss and find a place in your mind where you are at peace with it. Although we never really forget, eventually there is a point of calm acceptance for most people and acknowledgment that the experience changed their lives, also realizing it added to their understanding and compassion for others. It can be helpful too, to deliberately remember and give yourself the space to do so if you need it. Perhaps honor your little baby’s lost life by visiting a website, lighting a candle and/or attending a ceremony on worldwide ‘Baby Loss Day’ of the 15th October which is held each year.