Catharsis

ca·thar·sis [ kə th rssiss ]

1. emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience
2. emotional purification through Greek tragedy: according to Aristotle, a purifying of the emotions that is brought about in the audience of a tragic drama through the evocation of intense fear and pity
3. psychological purging of complexes: in psychology, the process of bringing to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to identify and relieve them, or the result of this process

Synonyms: release, purification, cleansing, purging, liberation, freeing up

Catharsis is choosing the experiences that cause our pain to rise to the surface of our consciousness so it can be released. Some ways of achieving this are:

* Talking about our feelings.
* Self expression through artwork, dance, music, writing, such as keeping a journal, etc.
* Confronting painful situations e.g. visiting a friend with a new baby.


"I found that writing about my pain took the sting out of the memory."



Catharsis is like opening a relief valve to allow pressure to escape, leaving the level of remaining feelings more comfortable to live with.

Feel free to leave a comment how you released some grief today...sharing helps others learn ways to grieve.

Finding Closure

Some have described it as a feeling of peacefulness or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty and to really think about things other than our loss."


"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here', when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when long after my miscarriage a chance remark reminded me of my loss and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response inappropriate because it had all happened so long ago. But I now know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.

I finally came to that place where the intermittent memories were good ones and comforted myself that my baby's soul had gone on growing after it had left my body and was happy and adjusted somewhere. Perhaps even vicariously part of the family as we often think of other dead relatives - I'm sure my mother is at family celebrations and sorrows. It felt okay to put my baby's soul to rest and no longer a betrayal or denial of her or his brief existence. She or he would always be a part of us through memory."



Even once the grieving process appears to us to be complete it is not uncommon for some of the feelings of loss to return, perhaps on the baby's due date or on the anniversary of the miscarriage. Sometimes, later over the years, something said, thought or done can trigger sad memories. However, if the grieving process has been dealt with in a healthy way, these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings and unexpected reminders should be brief and not overwhelming. If they still are, it would be helpful to have a few sessions with a counselor to better come to terms with your old loss and find a place in your mind where you are at peace with it. Although we never really forget, eventually there is a point of calm acceptance for most people and acknowledgment that the experience changed their lives, also realizing it added to their understanding and compassion for others. It can be helpful too, to deliberately remember and give yourself the space to do so if you need it. Perhaps honor your little baby’s lost life by visiting a website, lighting a candle and/or attending a ceremony on worldwide ‘Baby Loss Day’ of the 15th October which is held each year.

Some Losses Felt From Miscarriage

* the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
* the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life
* the loss of being able to call ourselves a mother (if no previous pregnancies)
* the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
* the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
* the actual physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the amount of blood passed
* the confusion and dismay when experiencing a 'blighted ovum' when there is only an empty sac
* the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
* the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognize we held that says "this won't happen to me"
* the loss of our basic trust in life and the insecurity of a less predictable world
* the loss of control over our expectations of life
* the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
* the loss of self-confidence
* the loss of control of our feelings
* the threat of loss of our identity
* the failure to reproduce when the body is giving monthly signals of fertility
* the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
* the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
* the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
* to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
* the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
* dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
* dealing with the thoughtless attitude of others, who have children without experiencing problems, which can be complacent, smug or pitying (perhaps unintentionally)
* dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies (relatives being even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
* our strong reaction when we observe children being mistreated, feeling how precious they would be to us
* the 'what ifs’ or 'if onlys’ that may result from us not even knowing we were pregnant
* the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
* the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
* the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know he or she is dead
* the difficulty in understanding how hard it is to miss someone we have never met
* the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
* the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
* the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to pay or be eligible for further IVF treatment
* the feeling we have let our partner/others down
* the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
* the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
* the little anticipation of grieving when the miscarriage happens very suddenly with no warning
* the pain of not knowing the baby's sex
* the pain of not ever knowing the cause of loss
* miscarriage is a grief with no picture memories and so few others
* continuing to grieve for what might have been - all those possibilities
* the realization of the price paid preparing to become a mother and the fear that we may have to experience the same loss again
* the subsequent anxiety felt for the physical safety of our children when or if they are born

Remembering Our Baby Angels