Helping Someone After A Miscarriage

When we offer help to someone through this time, they are often in such shock they don't know what they need. The objectives are to encourage the venting of her grief and re-establishing her self-esteem while recognizing her sorrow. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve to have their feelings supported by the people around them.

Do's

• Contact is important. Be there if possible, but if not, ring or write. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve to have their feelings supported by people around them.
• A hug or arm around her shoulders is comforting.
• Understand that her tears are a healthy response and should never be discouraged. Having a box of tissues handy is helpful.
• Let her do the talking. Be the passive partner who asks questions and focus on certain points to help her talk about her feelings. It is sufficient to just listen.
• Tell her how you feel about her losing the baby and how sorry you are.
• Acknowledge her pain even if you think you would not react this way in this situation.
• Ask questions about her experience, how she is really feeling and what she is thinking about.
• When you ask her partner how she is doing, don't forget to ask him how he is.
• Encourage her to be patient and not to impose 'shoulds' on herself. - grieving takes time
• Reassure them they did everything they could and it wasn't their fault - it helps alleviate their guilt.
• Grieving is a physically exhausting process and she will probably need to sleep or rest during the day. Take whatever steps necessary to give her the uninterrupted peace to do this.
• The intensity of grief fluctuates. During less tearful times a change of scenery is appreciated.
• Do something practical such as hanging up the washing/shopping or offer to take around a meal.
• Put on soothing music for her to listen to, offer a back massage, a walk on the beach. When she feels ready, take her to a movie of her choice.
• If you are seriously worried about her behavior, seek professional advice. As a rule of thumb, as long as she is not damaging herself, another person or property, you probably don't have anything to worry about.

Don'ts

• Don't ignore her because you feel helpless or uncomfortable with grief - she will wonder if what happened to her means nothing to you.
• Don't think that miscarriage is easier to cope with than a stillbirth or neonatal death. The truth is that her baby has just died, and it doesn't really matter how pregnant she was.
• Don't be anxious or embarrassed about making her cry. It is not what you said or did that upset her, but losing the baby. By allowing her to cry, you are helping her work through the process of grief.
• Don't confuse support with "cheering her up". Grief is an enormously powerful emotion and needs releasing, not repressing.
• Don't put on a bright cheery front yourself.
• Don't be nervous and keep talking. There is nothing wrong with silence. You can share silence with a good friend.
• Don't be tempted to be judgmental in any way about her feelings or reactions. People in grief often behave out of character or inappropriately and need your unconditional support. Things will eventually return to normal and she will feel grateful that you stood by her.
• Don't have expectations about how long it should take her to recover. Losing a baby is one of life's most difficult experiences and the depth of her grief is shocking even to her.
• Don't assume there will be another pregnancy.
• Don't try to do all the housework. Although well intentioned, she needs to feel capable and useful.
• Don't minimize her loss by offering platitudes such as "you're young enough to try again", or "it was nature's way of getting rid of an imperfect baby". It is appropriate to deal with this as you would any other death.
• Don't say that "she's so lucky to have the other kids" - her pain is for this baby and other children don't take that away.
• Don't forget her children have lost a sibling, and it is natural for them to react in some way.
• Don't feel guilty if you're pregnant. Just forgive her if she's cold and withdrawn, it's her way of coping.
• Don't feel you have to keep your children away. She must go through the process of accepting others' children.
• Don't ask how she is feeling if you only do so as a social obligation as it obliges you to listen carefully to the complete answer.

Seven helpful things to say

• "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
• "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
• "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
  
• "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
• "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
• "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
• "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Seven things not to say

• "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
• "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
• "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
• "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
• "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
• "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
• "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"
  
  If in doubt, say something - anything - and be prepared to listen. Possibly the hardest thing, even harder than hearing an insensitive comment, is when people say nothing at all.

Ceremony Suggestions

'To help you eventually complete the grieving process in a healthy way, it is very healing to view your miscarriage similarly to other family deaths, so we recommend a farewell ceremony even when there are few baby remains available adding significance to this life and death.'

To help you eventually complete the grieving process in a healthy way, we recommend a farewell ceremony even when there are few baby remains available adding significance to this life and death. It it can help to create your own personal commemoration in a way that reflects on what your baby meant to you. Think about others who have lost this baby too. This would be especially true for a baby that would have made first time grandparents, aunts and uncles but also close friends who might be grieving with you, and ask if they would like to be included in a small ceremony.
It's never too late to do this. Sometimes a miscarriage has happened years before and at the time you would not have thought anything like that was appropriate - but that doesn't matter. Even if it is only you, do something that has a healing influence on your old grief. We are all different so whatever works for you is fine.

You may find comfort in the following ceremony suggestions:

• Having a formal funeral service involving a minister, priest or a funeral celebrant.
• Having a less formal gathering in an appropriate setting, perhaps by the sea or in a park or somewhere with a comforting family association and perhaps gather around a candle to read a piece which is significant to you, e.g. the Bible, poetry or even something you wrote yourself.
• Or a small commemoration service (even just a glass of wine) on one of the anniversary dates or the 15th October on World Baby Loss Day.
• Bury a message with flowers.
• Send flowers or pine cones out to sea or perhaps a message in a bottle.
• Scatter seeds in the wind.
• Place a message on or in a balloon and release it somewhere special to you.
• In all cases play music that feels comforting to you, which can also be a source of healing.

Or perhaps just do something by yourself and perhaps your partner which is significant:

• Buy a special piece of jewelery; locket, charm, necklace, key chain or birthstone ring.
• Write a letter or poem to your baby or keep a diary of that time.
• Make a tape (it's strange, but hearing your own words of grief is quite healing).
• Creating a 'memory box' for cards, ribbons, dried flowers, a toy or other mementos.
• Create your own website.
• Use the internet to find a baby memory site

Catharsis

ca·thar·sis [ kə th rssiss ]

1. emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience
2. emotional purification through Greek tragedy: according to Aristotle, a purifying of the emotions that is brought about in the audience of a tragic drama through the evocation of intense fear and pity
3. psychological purging of complexes: in psychology, the process of bringing to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to identify and relieve them, or the result of this process

Synonyms: release, purification, cleansing, purging, liberation, freeing up

Catharsis is choosing the experiences that cause our pain to rise to the surface of our consciousness so it can be released. Some ways of achieving this are:

* Talking about our feelings.
* Self expression through artwork, dance, music, writing, such as keeping a journal, etc.
* Confronting painful situations e.g. visiting a friend with a new baby.


"I found that writing about my pain took the sting out of the memory."



Catharsis is like opening a relief valve to allow pressure to escape, leaving the level of remaining feelings more comfortable to live with.

Feel free to leave a comment how you released some grief today...sharing helps others learn ways to grieve.

Finding Closure

Some have described it as a feeling of peacefulness or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty and to really think about things other than our loss."


"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here', when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when long after my miscarriage a chance remark reminded me of my loss and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response inappropriate because it had all happened so long ago. But I now know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.

I finally came to that place where the intermittent memories were good ones and comforted myself that my baby's soul had gone on growing after it had left my body and was happy and adjusted somewhere. Perhaps even vicariously part of the family as we often think of other dead relatives - I'm sure my mother is at family celebrations and sorrows. It felt okay to put my baby's soul to rest and no longer a betrayal or denial of her or his brief existence. She or he would always be a part of us through memory."



Even once the grieving process appears to us to be complete it is not uncommon for some of the feelings of loss to return, perhaps on the baby's due date or on the anniversary of the miscarriage. Sometimes, later over the years, something said, thought or done can trigger sad memories. However, if the grieving process has been dealt with in a healthy way, these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings and unexpected reminders should be brief and not overwhelming. If they still are, it would be helpful to have a few sessions with a counselor to better come to terms with your old loss and find a place in your mind where you are at peace with it. Although we never really forget, eventually there is a point of calm acceptance for most people and acknowledgment that the experience changed their lives, also realizing it added to their understanding and compassion for others. It can be helpful too, to deliberately remember and give yourself the space to do so if you need it. Perhaps honor your little baby’s lost life by visiting a website, lighting a candle and/or attending a ceremony on worldwide ‘Baby Loss Day’ of the 15th October which is held each year.

Some Losses Felt From Miscarriage

* the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
* the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life
* the loss of being able to call ourselves a mother (if no previous pregnancies)
* the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
* the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
* the actual physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the amount of blood passed
* the confusion and dismay when experiencing a 'blighted ovum' when there is only an empty sac
* the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
* the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognize we held that says "this won't happen to me"
* the loss of our basic trust in life and the insecurity of a less predictable world
* the loss of control over our expectations of life
* the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
* the loss of self-confidence
* the loss of control of our feelings
* the threat of loss of our identity
* the failure to reproduce when the body is giving monthly signals of fertility
* the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
* the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
* the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
* to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
* the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
* dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
* dealing with the thoughtless attitude of others, who have children without experiencing problems, which can be complacent, smug or pitying (perhaps unintentionally)
* dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies (relatives being even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
* our strong reaction when we observe children being mistreated, feeling how precious they would be to us
* the 'what ifs’ or 'if onlys’ that may result from us not even knowing we were pregnant
* the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
* the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
* the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know he or she is dead
* the difficulty in understanding how hard it is to miss someone we have never met
* the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
* the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
* the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to pay or be eligible for further IVF treatment
* the feeling we have let our partner/others down
* the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
* the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
* the little anticipation of grieving when the miscarriage happens very suddenly with no warning
* the pain of not knowing the baby's sex
* the pain of not ever knowing the cause of loss
* miscarriage is a grief with no picture memories and so few others
* continuing to grieve for what might have been - all those possibilities
* the realization of the price paid preparing to become a mother and the fear that we may have to experience the same loss again
* the subsequent anxiety felt for the physical safety of our children when or if they are born

After a Miscarriage

This is from my favorite Natural Fertility blog:

After A Miscarriage… What To Do

by Hethir Rodriguez, MH, CMT

One common question we receive is… “What do I do after a miscarriage?”.

Believe it or not, miscarriages are a common occurrence. As scary as that may sound, one in four women experience a miscarriage. So if you have stumbled upon this website because of a recent loss, we are here for you…

The concerns most expressed frequently are:

“Why did this happen? I did ———-fill in the blank—-, do you think that could have caused it?”

“What are my chances of getting pregnant after a miscarriage?”

“I just had a miscarriage, how do I get my period back?”

“I just had a miscarriage, what can I do so I can get pregnant right away?”

“We want to try again as soon as possible, what can we do?”

While determining the cause of a miscarriage requires immediate testing at the right times (some tests require segments of the placenta or blood drawn before the miscarriage), many times the results are still diagnosed as an “unknown cause”. Why is this, you ask? Well, one reason is that reproductive medicine is still in its infancy, with 50% of women being told they have “unexplained infertility” after numerous tests, and hardly any answers for women who have had a miscarriage. The other reason is that many miscarriages happen because they are supposed to happen. If the embryo is not viable, the pregnancy will end. This is how a healthy reproductive system works. So don’t automatically assume that something is wrong with you if you have had a miscarriage.

What are you to do? Well, thankfully nature provides. You can look to nature to help you prepare your body for your next pregnancy. There are herbs, foods, supplements, therapies and mind-body techniques that can be used to your advantage. You can read about natural therapies for helping to prevent another miscarriage on Natural-Fertility-Info.com, but this article is going to focus on what you can do after you have had a miscarriage to help your body heal and get your fertility back on track. Here are some suggestions. Read over them and then listen to your body, tune in, and see what resonates with you…

1. Rest, recuperate and be gentle.
Many women want to get pregnant right away after a miscarriage, wanting to hurry up and move on. I felt like this after my first miscarriage. As I look back ,I believe hormones had something to do with feeling that way, as well as realizing how much I actually wanted a child after being pregnant ( our pregnancy was a surprise). It may be different for each person, but the body really needs to rest and sort itself out. It would not be best for your body or hormonal system to try to force your period to come early. Generally, it may take 2 weeks to 2 months for the menstrual cycle to come back, the pregnancy hormones to balance back to pre-pregnancy levels, and for your body to replenish its reserves.

Be gentle on yourself. Take some time to explore what you are going through and rest and focus on taking care of yourself. You don’t have to rush back to work right away. Work can wait!

2. Nourish yourself.
Pregnancy demands a lot from your body, as does a miscarriage. Nourish yourself with whole foods that are iron rich, full of fiber ,and contain vibrant colors. Eating a natural fertility diet will help to support your body in healing and replenishing nutrients.

3. Protect yourself from infection.
Directly after a miscarriage it is a good idea to help support your body in warding off infections that can occur. Avoid hot tubs, douching, taking baths, or having sex until the bleeding subsides. Some natural therapies that are known to help prevent infection are:

Aged garlic capsules or fresh garlic

Vitamin C

Grapefruit seed extract

Oil of Oregano

Use each supplement as bottle suggests.

4. Support the uterus and liver.
After the bleeding has stopped and a new menstrual cycle is beginning you may want to perform a natural Fertility Cleanse. The best time to start a Fertility Cleanse is the day after your period has stopped, so you may want to plan ahead. This will help to support the liver in cleansing old/excess hormones, medications taken, and in turn help to balance the hormones. The Fertility Cleanse is also very effective at helping to support the uterus in cleansing itself. Some times there is old stagnant blood left in the uterus which could use some help getting out. The Fertility Cleanse is a gentle cleanse that can be done in conjunction with a nourishing fertility diet to help support and bring your body back to balance. It is best not to try to conceive while doing the Fertility Cleanse.

5. Massage the uterus.
When you feel ready, all bleeding has stopped, and you are not on your period, you may want to start massaging the uterus. This can help to relax the uterus, help bring fresh new blood to the area, and tonify the uterine tissues. It is a wonderful way to prepare your body for getting pregnant after a miscarriage. Uterine massage can be preformed by a uterine massage therapist or you can learn to do it for your self in the Self Fertility Massage DVD.

It’s wonderfully relaxing and soothing to your body if you start with a castor oil pack and hot water bottle. Then follow that with some essential oils (one or two drops of rose, lavender or geranium) and begin the massage. Be gentle with yourself and with the pressure that you use as you become accustomed to massaging your uterus. Emotions may come up, let them happen and soon they will be released.

6. Educate and prepare.
Prepare for conception by educating yourself on your options. There are many natural things you can do to help prepare your body for a full term, healthy pregnancy. I have covered them in this guide: 5 Steps To Decreasing the Chance of Recurrent Miscarriages.

Miscarriage Q&A

Q: “Why did this happen? I did —-fill in the blank—-, do you think that could have caused it?”

A: I have no easy answer for you. Without testing it is hard to tell why the miscarriage occurred. We can begin to analyze every little thing we did.. maybe it was the hot tub, or that one drink, or maybe because we had sex, etc… The list can go on and on. There is no way of knowing without getting some testing done, and most doctors won’t test until the 3rd miscarriage unless you demand it, since miscarriages are so common.

Q: “I just had a miscarriage, how do I get my period back?”

A: The best way to get your period back after a miscarriage is to let your body do its work. Allow the body the time it needs to balance everything out. If it has been a couple of months and you still have not gotten your period, then you may want to step in and try some natural therapies to bring your period back.

Q: “What are my chances of getting pregnant after a miscarriage?”
A: The statistics show that the chance of getting pregnant after a miscarriage are the same as during any other cycle.

Q: “I just had a miscarriage, what can I do so I can get pregnant right away?”

A: Basically the same thing as anyone who is trying to get pregnant. Support your body by:

Eating healthy

Eat a natural fertility diet

Use herbs and supplements to help bring the body into balance

But make sure to allow enough time for you to rest and your hormones to get back to normal. Many doctors say you can start trying again after your first complete menstrual cycle.

Q: “ What are the causes of miscarriages?”

A: There are many, but the most common are:
* Immunological (body is attacking the embryo)
* Hormonal (low progesterone)
* Chromosomal (you could have some impact on this by protecting your DNA, both women and men will need to work on this)

Q: Are there natural therapies I can use to help to prevent another miscarriage?”

A: Yes. We have had many clients have a healthy pregnancy following many miscarriages. For the best opportunity, take the steps needed for at least 3-4 months before trying to conceive. You can learn about how to prevent a miscarriage here…