Sharing Miscarriage with Children

Many couples resist telling their older children about the miscarriage, especially if they didn't even know about the pregnancy. However, you will not be yourself and the children will pick up on the fact that something is not right. We need to tell them about the miscarriage because:

• They need to understand they are not responsible for what is wrong with us.
• They need to know that it is a common and normal experience.
• They need to be prepared for the possibility of you spending time in hospital and convalescing later.
• The situation is not permanent, we will all get better.
  

It will not be easy. Be honest, no half truths or phrases such as 'I've lost the baby', 'the baby has gone to sleep', 'God took the baby to be with him', 'he has passed away' or 'our baby has gone to a better place'. These are confusing and may be misinterpreted and children can fill in the gaps and sometimes blame themselves. Perhaps they did not want the baby or did something naughty and feel it is their fault your baby has died. It is important to re-assure them that nothing they did caused this.

It is also important not to simply say ' the baby got sick and the doctor couldn't fix her/him and they died' as they may think they will too. If you need to explain what death means you can say that their body is not working any more, it cannot move or cry and cannot be fixed. If they are old enough to ask why, perhaps, 'Sometimes this just happens and we don't know why.' If you do have a reason for your baby's death explain it in simple terms that they will understand. If you have requested a post-mortem tell them the doctors are trying to find out but still may not know even then.

You may need to repeat this information as it takes time for them to understand. Keep them informed about what is happening (like having a goodbye ceremony and allowing them to participate) so they don't feel left out or confused. Many women like to think of their lost baby as an angel and perhaps that could be a way to explain that their spirit has left their body.

If you are keeping a box or similar of cards or mementos they may like to put something of their own in, like a poem or a toy or if you are going to plant a shrub in a garden or pot get them to help you do this. Always involve them so they will think of your lost baby as part of the family.

Let them know how you are feeling so that they know it's okay to cry when you are sad and hurting or to smile and laugh and be happy too. Offer to cuddle them any time they feel sad to help them feel better. They could suffer from as many emotions as an adult. This may all be pretty difficult when you are grieving yourself and their lives go on as normal and you feel anything but, however it is also an opportunity to bring a closer relationship between you and your children. You may also feel overprotective for a while but this will fade as the grieving lessens

Under three years old
Simply tell them that your baby has died and that's why Mummy and Daddy are sad. It is not their fault. Although they have no concept of death they still could become irritable and have disturbed sleeping patterns because of how you are feeling.

Three to six year olds
Children of this age may have some understanding of death but see it as a temporary situation and not the finality of it so they could ask questions about when the baby is coming home. This is the age when they think they could be to blame.

Six to nine years old
These children do understand the finality of death and can obsess about dying, including losing their parents. They need re-assurances but be careful of how you word your promise of staying alive. They will need to know more detail including that the baby did not die a violent death (a supposition for some children).

Nine to 12 years old
Most of this age group will have an understanding of death's finality, perhaps from when a pet has died or even a family member. They will probably express their own feelings and may also be able to offer you some comfort.

Teenagers
Not an easy age to have to deal with death as they want to retain their feeling of being bullet-proof which the baby's death will challenge. They may be more comfortable talking to a family friend than your-selves and often also need time to come to terms with the situation. Their re-actions could be anything from loud music to staying out late or a comforting hug.

Explain to your family, friends, kindergarten or school if necessary what you have told your children so that no-one feels they have to make their own explanation. You understand best what your children are capable of dealing with. Ask that they support you or leave the subject alone.

A synopsis from "Life after baby loss" with the kind permission of Nicola Miller-Clendon, Author.

Helping Someone After A Miscarriage

When we offer help to someone through this time, they are often in such shock they don't know what they need. The objectives are to encourage the venting of her grief and re-establishing her self-esteem while recognizing her sorrow. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve to have their feelings supported by the people around them.

Do's

• Contact is important. Be there if possible, but if not, ring or write. Whatever the person is feeling, they deserve to have their feelings supported by people around them.
• A hug or arm around her shoulders is comforting.
• Understand that her tears are a healthy response and should never be discouraged. Having a box of tissues handy is helpful.
• Let her do the talking. Be the passive partner who asks questions and focus on certain points to help her talk about her feelings. It is sufficient to just listen.
• Tell her how you feel about her losing the baby and how sorry you are.
• Acknowledge her pain even if you think you would not react this way in this situation.
• Ask questions about her experience, how she is really feeling and what she is thinking about.
• When you ask her partner how she is doing, don't forget to ask him how he is.
• Encourage her to be patient and not to impose 'shoulds' on herself. - grieving takes time
• Reassure them they did everything they could and it wasn't their fault - it helps alleviate their guilt.
• Grieving is a physically exhausting process and she will probably need to sleep or rest during the day. Take whatever steps necessary to give her the uninterrupted peace to do this.
• The intensity of grief fluctuates. During less tearful times a change of scenery is appreciated.
• Do something practical such as hanging up the washing/shopping or offer to take around a meal.
• Put on soothing music for her to listen to, offer a back massage, a walk on the beach. When she feels ready, take her to a movie of her choice.
• If you are seriously worried about her behavior, seek professional advice. As a rule of thumb, as long as she is not damaging herself, another person or property, you probably don't have anything to worry about.

Don'ts

• Don't ignore her because you feel helpless or uncomfortable with grief - she will wonder if what happened to her means nothing to you.
• Don't think that miscarriage is easier to cope with than a stillbirth or neonatal death. The truth is that her baby has just died, and it doesn't really matter how pregnant she was.
• Don't be anxious or embarrassed about making her cry. It is not what you said or did that upset her, but losing the baby. By allowing her to cry, you are helping her work through the process of grief.
• Don't confuse support with "cheering her up". Grief is an enormously powerful emotion and needs releasing, not repressing.
• Don't put on a bright cheery front yourself.
• Don't be nervous and keep talking. There is nothing wrong with silence. You can share silence with a good friend.
• Don't be tempted to be judgmental in any way about her feelings or reactions. People in grief often behave out of character or inappropriately and need your unconditional support. Things will eventually return to normal and she will feel grateful that you stood by her.
• Don't have expectations about how long it should take her to recover. Losing a baby is one of life's most difficult experiences and the depth of her grief is shocking even to her.
• Don't assume there will be another pregnancy.
• Don't try to do all the housework. Although well intentioned, she needs to feel capable and useful.
• Don't minimize her loss by offering platitudes such as "you're young enough to try again", or "it was nature's way of getting rid of an imperfect baby". It is appropriate to deal with this as you would any other death.
• Don't say that "she's so lucky to have the other kids" - her pain is for this baby and other children don't take that away.
• Don't forget her children have lost a sibling, and it is natural for them to react in some way.
• Don't feel guilty if you're pregnant. Just forgive her if she's cold and withdrawn, it's her way of coping.
• Don't feel you have to keep your children away. She must go through the process of accepting others' children.
• Don't ask how she is feeling if you only do so as a social obligation as it obliges you to listen carefully to the complete answer.

Seven helpful things to say

• "I'm so sorry about your Miscarriage." These simple words mean a lot, especially if you allow the Mum or Dad to talk further, or not to talk, as they wish.
• "I know how much you wanted that baby." Here you are simply acknowledging that something precious has been lost, and opening a door to talk more.
• "It's okay to cry." - this can sound like Hollywood but it's reassuring for the Mum or Dad to know they are not being judged for their tears and sadness.
  
• "Can I call you back next week to see how you are doing?" Often people are sympathetic the first time, then never mention miscarriage again. You can expect the parents to still be grieving for weeks or months, so it is reassuring for them to know your support is ongoing.
• "I was wondering how you are feeling about your miscarriage now" - it's nice for them to have the opportunity to talk about their miscarriage even if it is a long time later and after a successful pregnancy as well. Parents do not forget a miscarriage.
• "I don't really know what to say." The good thing about this is that it is honest. The fact that you are available to listen is what's really important.
• "It must be so awful for you after going through those weeks of IVF treatment to have lost your baby."

Seven things not to say

• "You can always have another one" - it doesn't help much to know you can have another baby. The parents didn't just want any baby, they wanted THAT baby. Before they can think about another one they need to grieve for their lost one. They have lost their hopes and dreams as well.
• "There was probably something wrong with it - it's natures way." This may be true but it is no comfort to hear it. They want to believe it was a perfect baby, and that's who they are grieving for.
• "It's God's will" - People may or may not believe this. Whatever the case, it's still sad. You are better supporting the parents' grief than getting into theology.
• "At least you didn't know the baby - it would have been much worse if it had happened later" - it does not help to minimize and invalidate a miscarriage, it is not the length of the pregnancy, but the strength of the parents' attachment, that determines the intensity of their grief.
• "I know how you feel" - this statement can seem arrogant, even if you have miscarried yourself, as everyone reacts differently. Other losses can compound grief.
• "It wasn't really a baby yet" - that may not be how the parents see it. If it wasn't a baby what was it? To them it was real and they are grieving.
• "You're young, there's plenty of time. If you'd stop focusing on being pregnant so much it will just happen"
  
  If in doubt, say something - anything - and be prepared to listen. Possibly the hardest thing, even harder than hearing an insensitive comment, is when people say nothing at all.

Ceremony Suggestions

'To help you eventually complete the grieving process in a healthy way, it is very healing to view your miscarriage similarly to other family deaths, so we recommend a farewell ceremony even when there are few baby remains available adding significance to this life and death.'

To help you eventually complete the grieving process in a healthy way, we recommend a farewell ceremony even when there are few baby remains available adding significance to this life and death. It it can help to create your own personal commemoration in a way that reflects on what your baby meant to you. Think about others who have lost this baby too. This would be especially true for a baby that would have made first time grandparents, aunts and uncles but also close friends who might be grieving with you, and ask if they would like to be included in a small ceremony.
It's never too late to do this. Sometimes a miscarriage has happened years before and at the time you would not have thought anything like that was appropriate - but that doesn't matter. Even if it is only you, do something that has a healing influence on your old grief. We are all different so whatever works for you is fine.

You may find comfort in the following ceremony suggestions:

• Having a formal funeral service involving a minister, priest or a funeral celebrant.
• Having a less formal gathering in an appropriate setting, perhaps by the sea or in a park or somewhere with a comforting family association and perhaps gather around a candle to read a piece which is significant to you, e.g. the Bible, poetry or even something you wrote yourself.
• Or a small commemoration service (even just a glass of wine) on one of the anniversary dates or the 15th October on World Baby Loss Day.
• Bury a message with flowers.
• Send flowers or pine cones out to sea or perhaps a message in a bottle.
• Scatter seeds in the wind.
• Place a message on or in a balloon and release it somewhere special to you.
• In all cases play music that feels comforting to you, which can also be a source of healing.

Or perhaps just do something by yourself and perhaps your partner which is significant:

• Buy a special piece of jewelery; locket, charm, necklace, key chain or birthstone ring.
• Write a letter or poem to your baby or keep a diary of that time.
• Make a tape (it's strange, but hearing your own words of grief is quite healing).
• Creating a 'memory box' for cards, ribbons, dried flowers, a toy or other mementos.
• Create your own website.
• Use the internet to find a baby memory site

Catharsis

ca·thar·sis [ kə th rssiss ]

1. emotional release: an experience or feeling of spiritual release and purification brought about by an intense emotional experience
2. emotional purification through Greek tragedy: according to Aristotle, a purifying of the emotions that is brought about in the audience of a tragic drama through the evocation of intense fear and pity
3. psychological purging of complexes: in psychology, the process of bringing to the surface repressed emotions, complexes, and feelings in an effort to identify and relieve them, or the result of this process

Synonyms: release, purification, cleansing, purging, liberation, freeing up

Catharsis is choosing the experiences that cause our pain to rise to the surface of our consciousness so it can be released. Some ways of achieving this are:

* Talking about our feelings.
* Self expression through artwork, dance, music, writing, such as keeping a journal, etc.
* Confronting painful situations e.g. visiting a friend with a new baby.


"I found that writing about my pain took the sting out of the memory."



Catharsis is like opening a relief valve to allow pressure to escape, leaving the level of remaining feelings more comfortable to live with.

Feel free to leave a comment how you released some grief today...sharing helps others learn ways to grieve.

Finding Closure

Some have described it as a feeling of peacefulness or returning contentment. Others talk about a "desire to let go and move on". Eventually there comes a day we can look back and think "I have not felt sad" or "I have not felt that awful empty pain inside me for some time" or "being able to laugh and look forward again without feeling guilty and to really think about things other than our loss."


"Although there never is a line drawn that says 'grief ends here', when dealt with in a healthy way it does eventually transmute into a form which we can live with. I remember with great clarity, when long after my miscarriage a chance remark reminded me of my loss and I really sobbed to exhaustion. At the time I thought my response inappropriate because it had all happened so long ago. But I now know in retrospect that it was the turning point towards a deeper level of acceptance. It felt like a cleansing of the guilt and hurt and the shadow of that gradually dissipated afterwards.

I finally came to that place where the intermittent memories were good ones and comforted myself that my baby's soul had gone on growing after it had left my body and was happy and adjusted somewhere. Perhaps even vicariously part of the family as we often think of other dead relatives - I'm sure my mother is at family celebrations and sorrows. It felt okay to put my baby's soul to rest and no longer a betrayal or denial of her or his brief existence. She or he would always be a part of us through memory."



Even once the grieving process appears to us to be complete it is not uncommon for some of the feelings of loss to return, perhaps on the baby's due date or on the anniversary of the miscarriage. Sometimes, later over the years, something said, thought or done can trigger sad memories. However, if the grieving process has been dealt with in a healthy way, these "anniversary phenomenon" feelings and unexpected reminders should be brief and not overwhelming. If they still are, it would be helpful to have a few sessions with a counselor to better come to terms with your old loss and find a place in your mind where you are at peace with it. Although we never really forget, eventually there is a point of calm acceptance for most people and acknowledgment that the experience changed their lives, also realizing it added to their understanding and compassion for others. It can be helpful too, to deliberately remember and give yourself the space to do so if you need it. Perhaps honor your little baby’s lost life by visiting a website, lighting a candle and/or attending a ceremony on worldwide ‘Baby Loss Day’ of the 15th October which is held each year.

Some Losses Felt From Miscarriage

* the loss and the feeling of being cheated of the joyful experience of pregnancy and birth and possibly future ones and also the festivities around that
* the loss of our dreams for this child and the future our family would have had together - we had made plans for life
* the loss of being able to call ourselves a mother (if no previous pregnancies)
* the loss of access to successful womanhood (in our own or others eyes)
* the loss of trust in the body we feel has betrayed us
* the actual physical loss and the fear that can be felt from the amount of blood passed
* the confusion and dismay when experiencing a 'blighted ovum' when there is only an empty sac
* the loss of innocence for future pregnancies
* the loss of the belief system we didn't even necessarily recognize we held that says "this won't happen to me"
* the loss of our basic trust in life and the insecurity of a less predictable world
* the loss of control over our expectations of life
* the loss of the achievement of a goal we had set for ourselves (this may not have been experienced before)
* the loss of self-confidence
* the loss of control of our feelings
* the threat of loss of our identity
* the failure to reproduce when the body is giving monthly signals of fertility
* the illogical but real sense of shame, guilt or embarrassment
* the worries or fears that this amount of grief (over what is often seen as a minor blip in life) cannot be normal
* the feeling we should hide our loss and not talk about it as others think we are over-reacting
* to be unable to do what other women seem easily able to do as a 'natural part of life' and our jealousy and anger of that
* the loss or change in relationships (sometimes permanently) as we experience others lack of understanding and the isolation and loneliness this causes
* dealing with others' inappropriate comments, some with the best of intentions
* dealing with the thoughtless attitude of others, who have children without experiencing problems, which can be complacent, smug or pitying (perhaps unintentionally)
* dealing with our feelings over others' pregnancies (relatives being even more difficult), especially when they are due around the time we would have been and then later their new babies
* our strong reaction when we observe children being mistreated, feeling how precious they would be to us
* the 'what ifs’ or 'if onlys’ that may result from us not even knowing we were pregnant
* the thought that we didn’t love our baby enough to keep it alive
* the thought that we have somehow killed our baby, or we did something wrong
* the longing for our baby not to be taken away with a D&C even when we know he or she is dead
* the difficulty in understanding how hard it is to miss someone we have never met
* the difficulty adjusting back to normal life again, missing not having to be consciously aware of things that may affect our baby; like what we eat or drink and the limitations we may have put on physical movement
* the loss of our last chance of having a child because of our age
* the loss of our last chance to conceive because of the inability to pay or be eligible for further IVF treatment
* the feeling we have let our partner/others down
* the guilt and confusion if we have previously had an abortion
* the sometimes harsh judgments we make about ourselves
* the little anticipation of grieving when the miscarriage happens very suddenly with no warning
* the pain of not knowing the baby's sex
* the pain of not ever knowing the cause of loss
* miscarriage is a grief with no picture memories and so few others
* continuing to grieve for what might have been - all those possibilities
* the realization of the price paid preparing to become a mother and the fear that we may have to experience the same loss again
* the subsequent anxiety felt for the physical safety of our children when or if they are born